Grandparents are Humans Too
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An Eccentric Housewife
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As a girl, some of my favorite movies were the Father of the Bride movies. I always imagined wearing lacey tennis shoes to my wedding. I did that. I also imagined, from all the things I’d watched growing up, that when my grandchild came, I’d be there. Maybe not in the delivery room, but there, waiting ready to celebrate their arrival.
At my first delivery, both my mother and mother in law were in attendance. I remember it feeling like we were all waiting around for her to be born. My delivery stories are for another time, but I grew up with the idea that this is how it worked.
Fast forward to me becoming a grandmother. I’ve spent a lot of this journey, so far, trying to separate myself from others and the attitudes and behaviors I have learned. To give space to my daughter to do what is right and best for her and her family. To honor her and her choices and her boundaries. After all, I’ve raised an intelligent, thoughtful woman. She doesn’t just jump to decisions, but does her due diligence and makes educated decisions. I’ve also worked hard to tear down the notion that she owes me anything.
What I didn’t expect was the torrent of emotions I would feel, when I thought I’d made peace and accepted that things weren’t going to be how I was taught they were. The healing I still needed to do. The waves of chaos I’d have to work my way through. Learning to accept the things I couldn’t fix. The ways I couldn’t help her. The things that wouldn’t go as I’d been taught to expect them to. The giving space to allow her and I to be separate beings in a whole new way. I had to also learn to give myself the freedom to allow myself to feel things, I didn’t want to feel and to not feel ashamed or guilty. To process them, instead of trying to push them down, ignore them, or allow them to explode. I had to learn to be gracious with myself, especially as I learn more about myself and the stage of life I’m in, and how it is impacting me. I’ll share more about that in another post.
As I gave in to the flow of all of this I found a freedom I hadn’t known. That I could separate my feelings about a situation from people in the situation. It’s something I was never really taught or given permission to do, yet, as I have gotten healthier over the past few years, dealing with trauma and other things, my eyes have opened to things I’ve done, not necessarily because that’s who I am, but because that’s what I knew and that’s what has been done to me. I’ve worked really hard to break habits and thought processes that don’t align with who I am or want to be.
Even as I was trying to sort through my feelings, attempting to lean on others, some tried to rationalize and pooh pooh my feelings, while others tried to come to the defense as though I was attacking someone, neither of them really listening to what I was saying. I started to wonder if I really was attaching my negative feelings onto others.
When talking it out wasn’t working, I turned to prayer. I know, why didn’t I do that first? I leaned into Gd and I sought guidance, comfort, peace and forgiveness and I found it. I found the words to express what was going on inside of me. I found an understanding of what was going on in my body and in my being. I found that place of freedom and strength. My feelings weren’t about anyone. They were about not being aware that there was an expectation ingrained in me and trying to overcome that expectation and let it go. It was about learning to not being angry with myself for having those unexpected expectations and feelings. It was about feeling disappointed and learning it was ok to feel disappointed. That it was ok for me to have negative feelings about a situation and knowing that those feelings weren’t about anyone.
I realized, through all of this, I never really learned about being a grandparent. I don’t know how much I really thought of grandparents as people with thoughts and feelings who were impacted by life’s changes and the generations after them, quite to the depth that I am experiencing them now. I was hardly ever around my grandparents and I have hardly been around my own parents and in-laws. I don’t really have many friends, that I’m around often, who are grandparents either. Grandparents just haven’t really been a big part of my life experience. So here I am, taking this journey, finding the depths and learning not to drown.
Now that I have allowed space for myself to process those feelings in a healthier way; to acknowledge them and call them what they are; I am better able to experience the wonder of being a proud mother and grandmother more fully. I am overjoyed at the arrival of my grandchild. I am thankful and blessed at the love, support, and care my daughter’s family has received and the ways I’ve gotten to be a part of it. I am in awe of the amazingly beautiful relationship my daughter has and the precious family she is building. I’m humbled to have the gift of witnessing the graciousness of Gd in our lives and in our families.
Mamas, Grandmas, today I want you to know, no matter who you have been, you don’t have to stay that way. No matter your shame, it’s ok to not only face it and accept what caused it, but to overcome it and break the chain it has bound you with. It’s ok to change your perspective and to step away from the norms of the culture and society you grew up in to make space for better practices. It’s ok to have more than one thing be true. It’s ok to be sad and joyful at the same time, to be healthier and still need healing. It is not selfish to have feelings, even complicated feelings, and to process those feelings. It’s ok to be human and to think about yourself as well as others, to acknowledge the impact things happening in your world are having on you, even when you aren’t a central player in what’s happening.
Be encouraged. You are not alone. Becoming a grandmother is really a big deal and such a sacred gift.